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November 2012
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soulmoonchild [userpic]
An angel came down from the stars.

I never shut you out of my heart. You're still there, although you don't believe it. I didn't remove you first. I didn't, don't, never have and never will make any posts about you behind your back. I always told you that whenever you needed me, I'd be there. I always wanted you to know you could call me day or night, whenever you needed. I tried to be the best friend I could be for you through the darkest part of your life. I did everything I could to be there for you, believing I was doing what I did because you would do the exact same for me, if I was the one going through it. I hurt for your loss, weither you beleive it or not. I still hurt for you. I miss you, even if you do not believe me. I miss how you used to ignore what others thought of you, realzing that the judgement of someone who didnt even know you or anything about you didn't matter to you at all, you were above caring and wasting your lifes energy on someone elses ignorant perceptions. I miss the part of you that just didnt give a shit. I worry about you all the time. I know some of your family history, and that it is hereditary, and that yes, you are exhibiting an outbreak of symptoms by the aburpt and sudden changes you've gone through. Where's the carefree girl I once knew? Wheres the woman who called me her best friend, a loving term that filled me with joy and peace and sisterhood to hear it come from you? Why have you distanced yourself from me so far? Why are you pretending to be someone you aren't? Why are you letting yourself become the things you hate? Are you mad at me for leaving? Are you mad at me for having something you don't? What, and who, have told you you can't? I won't give up 10 years that easily. Because if this were the other way around, I don't beleive you would either. I really miss you.

Current Mood: hopefulhopeful

I wasn't going to reply to this, but I feel there are some things that need to be said. First of all, you are the one that said goodbye to me so I'm not sure what this "never shut you out" is all about. I removed you because you made it pretty clear you wanted me gone. I may be in your heart, and you will always hold a place in mine, but "goodbye" typically means you want someone out of your life so, again, I'm not sure what the point of this whole post is. That being said, I don't appreciate your presumptious and judgemental views toward me. This whole post is just filled with your judgement. How can you presume to know how I really feel when all you are basing this knowledge on is my journal entries? My journal is a place where I typically expresses things I feel the need to get out of myself. Yes, they are true things, but are still only a fraction of who a person really is. You can't possibly get the "whole picture" by just reading a persons blog.
I can also bring back many a comment when you were pretty darn sure I was NOT "above caring and wasting my lifes energy on someone elses ignorant perceptions". There were many times when I worried that women I didn't know were making faces/judging/talking behind my back. Have I given that impression lately? Because if I have I would love to hear about it. The truth, even though you obviously won't believe me, is that girl you think I have become is the girl that I WAS and the girl you want me to be is the girl I NOW AM.
And I assure you that there is no need to worry about my mental health. Once again, you need to be around a person on a regular basis to make any accurate statements about their mental stability.
Am I mad at you? No. As I've told you many, MANY times before, I am completely at peace now with having lost my pregnancies. Yes, it's a painful memory. Of course it is! However, as I'm sure you agree, everything happens for a reason. There are no accidents, and those experiences were given to me in order to grow and discover who and what I truly want to be. I realize I am not yet meant to be a mother. Perhaps one day I will be ready. I will know if and when the time is right, and until then I am happy with who I am and I do not feel as if "something" is missing from my life. I am happy that you have what you want, and I wish you could be happy for me and believe me when I say that I have everything I've ever wanted, and I've never been more at peace with my life. Of course there are little things I would like to change (such as the town in which I live), but I know if they are meant to change they will. And in the larger scheme of things it doesn't eve matter where I live because I have security and love and as long as I have that everything else will fall into place. I'm sorry if I don't convey my true intentions in my writings. I just wish more people would be accepting of others' life choices, and I get frustrated. You have no idea how annoying it can be to have people nag you constantly about reproducing when you aren't ready to-may never be ready to! Yes, I am at peace with my current decision but that doesn't mean it doesn't get under my skin when others can't accept that.

I really think we are in totally different places in our lives. I don't honestly see any way of us connecting on common ground. At least not any time in the near future. I'm sorry, but I can't be in contact with someone who is constantly judging me and asking me to defend myself. You obviously want me to be someone I can't. Some things need to be left in the past.