my back itches in an unscratchable spot. damnit.

so I have a birthday in a few days. Dosent look good. I'll be 27. wooo.

My daughter is 2 1/2 now and definately acting it. Mood swings to match her momma ;p Well actually, hers are nothing like mine. It seems my bipolar disorder has been running rampant in my life again, nearly destroying that which I hold dearest to my heart. My relationship has reached a standstill. He has his own things he needs to take care of, and needs time alone to do so. Maybe thats for the best, so I can learn to overcome this and get on the right track for myself. I miss him though.

My landlords trying to evict me on false premises. its a long ugly story.

I just stood in front of my mirror. All this stress and I can tell I've been loosing weight. I look better than I have in a very long time... VERY long time. if only i could take a decent picture, lol.


more random updates from the life of lisha to follow.

Current Mood: hopeful

yeah yeah.. it's been months :) although working full time and spending my afternoons with my daughter, finding time to post is not at the top of my priority list but it's been so long and since i have a few minutes to myself, i thought now would be a good time. this year has had a lot of interesting twists and turns. the dissolvment of a lifelong friendship, the seperation of a relationship, full time job and.... a car! yep, I finally have my own car. all paid off and everything. 99 chevy prism 4 door, great gas mileage, etc... i <3 having a car.

Today Taylor turned 17 months. She's a smart cookie. learning to dress herself already. Says about 15 words, ball, blue, ni ni, fish, etc... blows kisses, plays peek a boo... even put a puppet on her hand and went "BLAH!" just like I do when I put it on and make it spit out its tounge at her... she sneaks up the stairs sometimes (she's quick :), she likes to step into her toy crate and pile her toys in her lap, loves to take her baths... she is really good about following directions.... unfortunately i dont have any recent pics that are online right now, my computer is on the fritz so i am using tims but i'll try to upload some soon.


in other news, i'll be 26 in 2 weeks... the downhill adventure begins, hehe ;p.

once my computer is up and running i'll try to post some more and catch up with people... untill then you can send me a message on myspace if you want, I might not see any responses to this.

take care all... hope everyone is well :)

why is this hurting me, and not you? why does it feel like I care, and you quit? Are you worth feeling this way for? If you can close me out of your heart so easily, was I ever there? How can you shut me out, and not even give me an explination? I wish I could forget you as easily as you forgot me. When you really love someone, its not that easy.

I never shut you out of my heart. You're still there, although you don't believe it. I didn't remove you first. I didn't, don't, never have and never will make any posts about you behind your back. I always told you that whenever you needed me, I'd be there. I always wanted you to know you could call me day or night, whenever you needed. I tried to be the best friend I could be for you through the darkest part of your life. I did everything I could to be there for you, believing I was doing what I did because you would do the exact same for me, if I was the one going through it. I hurt for your loss, weither you beleive it or not. I still hurt for you. I miss you, even if you do not believe me. I miss how you used to ignore what others thought of you, realzing that the judgement of someone who didnt even know you or anything about you didn't matter to you at all, you were above caring and wasting your lifes energy on someone elses ignorant perceptions. I miss the part of you that just didnt give a shit. I worry about you all the time. I know some of your family history, and that it is hereditary, and that yes, you are exhibiting an outbreak of symptoms by the aburpt and sudden changes you've gone through. Where's the carefree girl I once knew? Wheres the woman who called me her best friend, a loving term that filled me with joy and peace and sisterhood to hear it come from you? Why have you distanced yourself from me so far? Why are you pretending to be someone you aren't? Why are you letting yourself become the things you hate? Are you mad at me for leaving? Are you mad at me for having something you don't? What, and who, have told you you can't? I won't give up 10 years that easily. Because if this were the other way around, I don't beleive you would either. I really miss you.

Current Mood: hopeful

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY TAYLOR FANE!!!!!

Current Mood: cheerful

Tis the Season to be Jolly fa la la la la, la la la la! I can't find my address book... so my email is soul.light@comcast.net, I wanted to just surprise everyone, but without my address book I can't. *hint hint*

I saw this from Jackie and Lori's journals.... it's very cute:

On the twelfth day of Christmas, soulmoonchild sent to me...

Twelve staffs drumming

Eleven swords stargazing

Ten elves a-channeling

Nine cats breastfeeding

Eight unicorns a-meditating

Seven daggers a-parenting

Six religions a-dreaming

Five anci-i-i-ient beings

Four past lives

Three ancient souls

Two dream meanings

...and a tarot in a poetry.

Get your own Twelve Days:

I love you

( SPIRITUALITY vs. RELIGION )

time for a picture update... our day at the va

if there is one thing i could ask everyone on my friends list to do, more so everyone in the world, it would be to watch these videos.

( life is love )

    Geez It's been a really long time since I've updated.  Since Ican't sleep at the moment I thought I'd fill everyone in.  There arepropably a few of you who are wondering "What the hell happened toElisha!?!", lol.  I asure you all, we're doing great over here!  Wejust got back last week from a vacation to Colorado, and now schoolwill be starting soon and my dad will be here.  So to start filling youin, I'll talk about our trip to Colorado, which was awesome!!!


    About two weeks ago Ellen came to pick us up really early in themorning, and we were all pretty groggy,  as we had Jenn and Michael andthier daughter Mary Jane over the night before.  Taylor slept wellthough and was incredible the entire way to colorado, including a 1hour car ride to the airport, the first flight, the layover, the secondflight, the shuttle through the tunnel from the terminal to the baggageclaim, the bus to the car rental place, the 2 hour drive into themountians.  I kid you not she did not cry at all.  She handled the longday better than I could have dreamed of asking for from an 8 month oldbaby.  Anywho, after we got to colorado Tim's mother dropped us off inour cabin, a tiny two room (living area/kitchen and tiny bedroom) cabinthat is called Jaybird.  She then went to her family cabin a few milesaway, which her father had built some 50 years before.   The familytries to take a trip there once a summer.  So for the next few days weenjoyed the views, enjoyed the quiet and each others company.  Boy wereTim and I glad we decided to bring Taylors pack-n-play! It barely fitbetween the bed and the wall in the cabin, and at that point I know shewould have been livid if we werent able to sleep in the same room asher, since it was so unfamilier.  Anywho a couple days after we gotthere my mom and grandma Wanda arriaved! My mother lives in northernArizona and my grandmother in northern New Mexico so my mom drove to mygrandmothers and the next day they drove up to see us.  They werestaying about 1/10th of a mile from our cabin in another cabin calledMoutain View.  It was a very nice visit.  Taylor absolutely loves herGrandmama and she fell right asleep on her shoulder even though shehadn't seen her since she was a month old.  She loved her Great GrandmaWanda too, and her Great Grandma Eliza, who she met on this trip forthe first time.  One early afternoon the whole lot of us gathered onthe porch of Eliza's cabin and enjoyed conversation while many pictureswere taken.  There was not much else that acutally took place while wewere in Colorado, except many afternoons and evenings of simplyenjoying each others company and sharing stories from our lives.  Timand I did leave Taylor with his mother and grandmother one afternoonwhile we went for a walk/hike.  we went about a mile and a half up thebase of a mountain before we came to a stream and decided to sit downand have our fresh cantelope his mother had packed for us.  While wewere sitting there a family came down the path and I mentioned to Timthat that would be us in about 5 years... The family was a mother,father, and a 6 or 7 year old girl.  We decided to turn around at thispoint becuase I was developing a blister on my ankle from wearing bootsI haven't worn in years (note to self, next time break them in a fewweeks before leaving for colorado....  if you know me at all youll knowi HATE socks and shoes with a passion!).   Anywho there will be manypictures to come of our trip to colorado,  I don't have a memory cardfor my camera so I could only take a few,  however my mother andgrandmother took bunches and bunches and my mom has  made me a cd ofthem and it should arriave sometime soon.   That sums up our trip,untill the pictures come in at least. 

    The next thing I want to write about it Taylors progress on thiswhole sleeping on her own thing... which is probably why I am stillawake right now.  Since she was born she had slept right next to me. When she began to get mobile we took her crib and put it next to ourbed, having taken the side closest to the bed off so I could just rollher over and put her in her bed.  This worked for a while but she wasbecomming more and more mobile.   So we kept her bed there and put the4th side up.   After a while of this we moved her bed to the other sideof the room.  We started laying her down at night and giving her abottle and leaving the room.   Some nights this works great, others sheputs up a fight with us.  It's heart-wrenching hearing her cry.  She'llcry for a few minutes and then stop for a few minutes, and keep thispattern untill she's fallen asleep.  Last night we made the final stepand moved her crib into her own room and moved my computer out. Tonight she went to sleep fairly easily, and I'm so proud of her forit.  It's been hard but she really needs to learn how to fall asleep onher own.  I remember that my sister Kristin never learned how and  mystep-mother would be in her room for hours at night even when she was 4years old and up.   Hopefully soon Taylor will come to understand thatwhen we lay her down in bed at night that it means sleep and that weare still here even though she can't see us.  I think she is a quicklearner though :) Speaking of learning, she can clap her hands now andshe  does it -all- the time.   I think to her it means she approves ofsomething, as she only does it when she is happy of course.   I stillcan't beleive that my little lady bug is 8 months old.  She can pullherself up on almost anything and before long she will start to edgealong things that way and one days shes going to just let go and walk,much to soon for my liking.  The other day while we were all wakingfrom a nap (in which she slept with us in the big bed) she looked rightat her daddy and said "Da Da" plain as day.  She says it a lot whilemumbling and playing, but this specific time she looked directly athim.  She has also mumbled "ma ma" a few times, because she hears itall the time,  but I'm sure it wont be long before she says it inregards to me.  In other Taylor related news, I have to send this heartfelt public thank you out to my new friends Jenn and Michael.  Not onlyhas Jenn genrously given me more clothing than I can count for Taylor, her friendship  and parenting advice could not have arriaved in my lifeat a better time.  Seeing as her daughter Mary Jane is 6 months olderthan Taylor, she has been there and done that and when relating it tome she has given me much assurance  as for the whole 'sleeping on herown' thing and when it comes to colds, teething, feeding, etc. Jenn,I'm sure you'll read this at some point so wether you see this now orin two weeks, Thank you! I'm so glad to have met you!

    Moving on to other points, I want to mention that Tim and I are enrolled in class for this fall semester! Weare both taking English classes at the same time on the same night atthe same school (although differant classes).   I am going in hope toattain a teaching certificate to be a lead teacher in a day carecenter.  I'd like to work as close as possible to Taylor for the first few years untill she is in school.  I think day care is wonderful forchildren to help prepare them for schooling but at the same time it canbe very hard for them untill they can communicate thier needsverbally.  Anyway,  the pre-requisite for the rest of the classes Ineed to take is English 101, so I'll be taking that this semester and hopefully more next semester.   The cool this is that since Tim and Iwill both be in class at the same time on the same night, my dad willbe here to help watch Taylor for us!  Which leads me to my next andfinal topic...

    My dad's health keeps deteriorating. He lives with a wife whodoesnt love him, a son who had no concept of respect for him, isgetting over the loss of his father (his mother died when I was 3) andhas to cope with his ridicoulsly immature step-mother, Velma.   He cameto visit us in June and was here for a few days by himself.  He has aweak heart and stressful times he has to take nitroglycerin tablets tokeep himself from having heart attacks.  The few days he was here byhimself he didnt have to take them once.  I really want him to havethat kind of environment.  I want him to have a period of his life  toenjoy.  I am often afraid that he may not be around much longer.  Ifthat is the case I want to be near him.  Just yesterday he told me hehad to have a CATscan.  They were checking for a mass, becuase he hadlost 25 pounds in 3 weeks.  My dad is already fairly thin, so 25 poundsis pretty significant for him.   While he is out here he wants to checkinto the local VA center and see if  they aren't any more advanced outhere than in Oklahoma.   I certainly hope they are.  We are convertingout basement into living quarters for him for this semester.  His dadleft him about 40 pounds of silver coins, back when they were puresilver, and he wants to talk to a coin collector to gather thier value.It is likely he will find a much better offer in the north east than hewould back home in OK.  He is also going to bring Sage's sister Serawith him! I can't wait for sage to have a playmate.  He does haveTaylor but mostly all she does is chew and drool all over him, hehe.

Anywho there is my update.   Pictures with attached stories to comesoon.    As always I may not post much but I do try to keep up as bestI can.  Taylor and I send kisses, and may you all be blessed.

Namaste!!
( p.s.. a picture! )

I'm going to do a friends cut because I barely have time to talk to my real life friends let alone try to make new ones online, it's nothing personal, I'm just not giving you the attention you deserve. Blessed Be all.

edit: most of the people I removed are in the dec_2005 community and I'm glad to keep up with you there. You all have beautiful children :)

so while we were out today i bought this cute little outfit for taylor.. says size 6/9 month but she is fitting in it now! hopefully she can still wear it once it is a little warmer outside. it is too damn cute.

( warning! pictures inside may cause cavities due to extreme sweetness! )